AU : Conehead's Guide to Dating
by TheBoganTronian
Summary: Rumble is feeling blue. Fury, the one of his dreams, makes his processes glitch while in her presence & truthfully he has no real skills with wooing. Along comes Dirge, Thrust and Ramjet, said to have a long list of names when it comes to love. They agree to help their comrade but the targets they set for each other may prove to be their undoing: Flamewar, Air Raid & Slipstream.
1. Target Acquired

_A humourous short story about the techniques our lovely coneheads use to woo a bondlove. Story idea coined by myself and Misfit-Kiwi during a banter about why they haven't got girlfriends and the short skits we came up with as to why the ladies steer clear. Everything cannon in here is how I see it, for example, the cones are brothers, so if you don't agree then... oh well hopefully it is still good reading. Over and Out._

-story-

Rumble sat at a bench by himself, when three jets stormed in, raring to party. The young blue mech sighed, secretly looked up at hot pink and black femme over the other side - young like him, blue optics that could burn a hole right through your chassis. Rumble fancied her since she arrived just weeks before, but every time he approached her, every word he said came out jumbled, bumbled or just completely a mess.

A rowdy laughter echoed through the mess, originating from the jets: Dirge, Thrust and Ramjet. Pronounced in that order, for they were brothers, oldest to youngest, coolest to hottest. Dirge the awkward silent, Thrust the sassy coward and Ramjet the head-butting liar. Rumble envied the seekers ability, for they had indeed conquered many femme's together, as they claim, but Rumble only wanted one. This one: Fury.

Rumble then had an idea. If they were so successful then surely they could help him?

His idea was set, Rumble marched right over to the much larger cons and punched the saddest in the shin. Dirge complained of a nanite biting his leg, after clearly he saw it was in fact Rumble, so the little mech aimed again but Thrust took his arm and hoisted him high for Ramjet. The concussion jet understood the gist and prepared to give Rumble his biggest head whollop.

'Wait wait...' Rumble said, holding his hands out for peace 'I need advice.'  
'Advice?' Thrust repeated, shaking the mech in his hand 'What for?'  
'Fighting?' Ramjet laughed, and high fived Thrust.  
'Drinking?' Dirge murmured, sipping his Energon casually.  
'No...' Rumble sighed 'Fury. I am no good with ladies but you are, right? You can help?'

His admittance was in shame and Rumble braced himself for a barrage of laughter. The trine hesitated to answer, each eyed the other and Rumble groaned. Of course they wouldn't share their secrets with him - he wasn't their brother or a seeker. But hope was not all lost when a smile spread across Thrust's face, followed closely by Ramjet and only a small smirk from the eldest Dirge.

'We can help, but be warned" Ramjet said with caution - as if Rumble cared what consequences might occure if it meant he could have Fury begging for his attention.

'You have to take our advice, exactly.' Thrust added as Ramjet nodded, eager to get started.

'As you see or we say it, else no Fury." Dirge said mournfully to Rumble, almost breaking his spark.

'Yes yes. Tell me please!" Rumble begged, hardest he has ever - if he has ever, he can't recall. Thrust placed him on the table between them all.

'First we need... targets.' Thrust said, and spied the room carefully. He spotted a violet and green femme at the centre of a small group, leading them in vigorous conversation, and his red optics expanded with excitement 'Ohh... Yes. Ramjet. You've got Slipstream.'

'Slipstream?' Ramjet repeated nervously, but Rumble thought he's probably just being polite to the little con who needed help - Fury was no Slipstream. 'But I... Slipstream is like dating Starscream... and that-'  
'We need a challenge!' Thrust nudged Ramjet in the shoulder 'To really show dear little Rumble here our skills.'  
['Curse you,' Ramjet fumed silently through to Thrust's comms link]  
'I'm sure you can to woo the opinionated Slipstream.'

'Alright then.' Ramjet sneered, glaring at his brother 'If I have Slipstream. Dirge is having...' Ramjet scanned the room, looking for the hardest con he could find 'eh...' Then he spotted her. A black two wheeler, with flames over her chassis and Ramjet laughed with evil glee 'Flamewar!'

Rumble saw Thrust even stiffened at the mention of the dark natured femme, and Rumble was amazed the brothers were confident they could win both Slipstream and Flamewar, this made Rumble confident he could win Fury with their help for Dirge was earthly cold but Flamewar was pluto cold.

'Really?' Dirge mused, and skulled the rest of his drink. He then stared around the room, hoping to find Thrust's target. He wanted the best and the hardest for the cocksure mech that dared set the level of targets to Slipstream.

Dirge noted many to choose, each harder than the other. He spotted a onyx and gold spider, Blackarachnia, climbing the wall with her sister, Airachnid - both clearly overdosed on HI grade as they shot webs at each other and were hitting everything but their target. Then there was Night Raid, Megatrons current favourite for both tasks against Autobots and the berth.

'Well?' Thrust said, not too patiently waiting for Dirge's choice - Thrust was also following where Dirge looked - worried about his current choices.  
'Wait.' Dirge answered firmly then he saw a yellow, fuchsia and violet femme drinking alone with an enraged expression over her face. Entreaty, sister to Night Raid, and recently bondless after the death of her love Carbine. She would be impossible - for her processors had one purpose: revenge against Prowl - the Autobot second in command. Just as Dirge was about to speak his choice, another idea popped up and it was much better than Entreaty.

'I have decided...' Dirge said solemnly, and Thrust growled as he knew who Dirge was just looking at. 'Your target will be the Autobot Air Raid.'  
'WHAT!?" Thrust blurted out loud, causing the room to fall silent and stare at him. Rumble cowered on the table, and Ramjet laughed hard, Slipstream sneered at his outburst, and then continued talking. The rest followed soon after.

'We need to show Rumble our techniques can work on anyone: including them.' Dirge said with a rare grin that spread across his face as he spoke.  
'Grr!' Thrust couldn't think of anything better to say and instead sulked in his chair.  
Ramjet slapped Rumble on the back, sending the little mech stumbling 'Now number one lesson is First Impressions!'  
'Allow Dirge to demonstrate...' Thrust added bitterly.  
'Frag you...' Dirge snapped, and stood from the table. Rumble watched on eagerly.

-authors note-

_Thanks for reading. I don't know how long this will go but there is at least 6 lessons - which are the main humour - this chapter is a taste. I have introduced a few OC's too as they are just playing background character roles and most likely just for this chapter, so if you don't know who Night Raid, Entreaty, Carbine, or Fury are then that would be why. I am also mixing all Transformer universes in this, as it just makes life easier._


	2. First Impressions

Dating Advice from Dirge Thrust and Ramjet.

Welcome back for round two. Over and Out.

-story-  
Rumble watched the oldest and coldest of the trio, Dirge, as he strode to his target with a confident poise - that is until he was within arms reach of Flamewar. Then he stood dumbly, as if unsure how to interact but Rumble knew better. He quickly wrote down on the datapad every step the Blue and yellow jet did, down to the awkward scratch of his head.

Flamewar, the femme of infinate patience and equally as long determination, stared with narrowed optics at the mech who dared disturb her solitary state. Her cold brooding nature oozed when she slowly blinked back any frustration that might have been processing through her mind. Dirge took a deep intake of air - every eternal fan worked double speed - to keep his processors from overheating and very carefully side stepped around from Flamewars direct vision. He then turned, without a word and sat down next to her.

Flamewar didn't flinch, her head remained high, unnerving.

Dirge didn't flinch, his hands firmly rested on his knees.

Rumble didn't realise it but he braced himself for an outburst. Air intake took a sharp dive and his enternal wires rattled with nervous antipation. Thurst and Ramjet were the same, disbelieving of Dirge's luck to actually still be sitting next to Flamewar without already being hurled across the room.

Dirge takes a deep gust of air into his cooling system, tests his vocal box with a cough then opens his mouth.  
'No.' Flamewar said suddenly, her voice cold and without any emotional attachment. Dirge, still staring away from her, as she was him, opened his mouth again.  
'Stop talking.' Flamewar added unmoving.

Dirge, while only slightly agitated, took another breath only to be cut off again by more typical Flamewar rebuttels. Dirge spied his brothers across the room, both with infuriating grins across their smug face plates, and Rumble - sat eager to catch what next to do. A deep seeded fear began to tug at Dirge's spark. With well learned tact and refinement, Dirge stood up. Slowly at first, but then he spun around suddenly to face Flamewar. She didn't even bother to look up at him. Dirges engines roared with life - just enough to give him sound, not flight. A subtle tilt from Flamewars head, towards his engines proved to Dirge she was curious.

'Don't even-' Flamewar said, emotionless as the first time, but she was prompty cut short as Dirge combined his vocal processors and engine whirls to create the perfect pitch. The grating tune shrieked in echoes throughout the room and the decepticon base - like a poorly played violin was caught in the screaming throat of a human woman dying in agony but refusing to actually die. Let the bitch die already!

Many of the cons in the same room doubled over in fear at the petrifying sound. All except Flamewar.

Flamewar sat, red optics wide in fear and cup in hand, the energon inside shaking with her body and what it was currently experiencing. 'What do you want?' she finally said, her voice edgy and fearful but body refused to collapse in it. 'A date.' Dirdge said bluntly and unfrazzled by the sounds emitted.  
'Done.' Flamewar said, she didn't even take time to think and in return, Dirge didn't need telling twice. He cut off his engines with a small smirk 'Tomorrow. 1700.'

Rumble gasped with amazement, or relief from the screaching engines. Whatever the reason, Flamewar - intimidating and cruel - agreed, and all Dirge needed to do was strike fear into her spark. The blue little con jotted down this discovery, hardly able to control his excitement. Dirge arrived back at the table in victory. Ramjet laugehd at his methods but Thurst sneered. 'Thats cheating!'  
'Thats winning' Dirge corrected and sat down. 'Puh' Thrust sniffed and turned to Ramjet 'You're next.'  
The black and white jet protected 'Why? Why me? You should go, you're older.'  
'Slipstream is here! Air Raid...' Thrust cringed at the Autoscums name 'He's not here. We'll need to find him.'  
'Logic. I ought to headbutt it right out of you.' Ramjet stood up from the table, however he didn't approach Slipstream straight away.

Rumble typed down "assess target before approach" right next to "approach with confidence." then he looked up to check what else Ramjet was doing which wasn't much. His advancement to Slipstream was slow -very slow - and cautious, if he could be any slower the turtle would already be married to her with nine kids and a tenth on the way. Rumble had to add to his list 'approach SLOWLY with confidence'.

Ramjet finally stood with the group Slipstream bantered to, pretending to have been there the whole time. A metallic white and powder blue medic looked at him with dark blue optics then she stepped aside so that he could join. Ramjet made a note to headbutt Vista Assist (OC) when he next got the chance. It was only then that Slipstream noticed him and stopped talking.

'What do you want Ramjet?' The green and violet jet snapped and folded her arms. 'I uh...' Ramjet stutted his words, then stepped to the middle of the group, facing Slipstream - his confidents was shot down in flames long ago. 'Get out. I am the centre of this story...'  
'As morning rays of windswept fire embrace your spirited form...' Ramjet said quickly, his words spoken with a poetic air to that of Shakespears quality 'A raw desire to worship unspoken grace burns long within a spark.'

A few femmes in the circle eyes softened as their sparks melted with his passionate speech. Slipstream also had softened but she wasn't turning to mush just yet. Dirge and Thrust looked at each other, both wondering where the heck this smooth talker came from. But Ramjet pressed on, feeling energised by the awes of the group 'My soul does beat with yearning heat, the hours we spend apart, for your essence of evening stars inlove, thaws this lonely spark.'

Tears swelled in white medics eyes, and the awes of the girls within the circle drew attention from the drunk spider sisters. Blackarachnia approached in a dreaming trance, listening to the words spoken so well. He purple sister sighed and followed her enthralled to say the least.

'A hope of time with you spent once, I'll forever keep at nigh, so dreams of unequal radiance dance evermore within my spark' Ramjet finished with a slight bow and an extension of his hand towards Slipstream. By now the hardened con was melted butter but too shy to take his hand. That is until Blackarachnia sided up to him in a seducing manner 'I'll sh-pend time withs you...' she purred with a slur, tracig a hand across his wings. 'No. Let me... please' begged a khaki off-road femme, War Toil (OC), taking hold of his other arm and trying to draw him away. 'You don't want them...' Airachnid cooed, and climbed onto his back, her spider legs stroking any part they could get - she didn't appear as drunk as her sister. 'You really want me.'

Dirge stared, jaw gaped 'How is that even possible?'  
'Thats it...' Thrust growled 'I forfeit. If dip-slag gets that response!' Rumble was very impressed and wrote down, the best he could, what Ramjet said, after rereading his words a few times he was confident it was right and good. He then looked up, buzzing to get more information. Fury's not doing to stand a chance when he works his moves and this is only the first impression.

Ramjet wasn't used to the attention and took his hand away from Slipstream to stop Airachnids insistant stroking. His action however looked like he wanted it more and this only enraged the violet and green jet, who screeched her anger. 'Get off him spider slut! ' with force Slipstream took Ramjets hand and dragged him towards her, Airachnid fell off with an angry grumble. 'He spoke about me, not you!' Slipstream added and stepped infront of her cassanova to face the disappointed girls. War Toilsobbed uncontrollably.

Slipstream then turned around to face Ramjet with an arrogant smirk, 'So ... what were you saying about me?'  
'Would you, the most beautiful con on Cybertron-' Ramjet saw her face fall and corrected his mistake 'Most beautiful femme in all the cyberverse!' (Slipstream smiled) 'Do me the honour, nay the grandest priveldge of accepting my courtship and going on a date with me?'

Slipstream smiled, pretending to be shy and turning away to face her group only to see Blackarachnia held up a score card of 10. 'Alright. Yes.' She said finally, and Ramjet held his head just that little bit higher. Slipstream was still in a lovesick trance when he took her shoulders into his hands and leaned in. Excitement brewed and all her wires came alive, a moment of feeling eternal bliss.

BANG!

'Great!' Ramjet said, right after a precise butt to her head that sent her spiralling 'I'll see you tomorrow night. 1900.' Then he strutted proudly back to his brothers and a cheering Rumble.

Slipstream was left dazed, on the floor. Vista ran over to her and comm'ed to the Medical Bay 'Spectro? You on? Have a casual from Mess 5; Slipstream.'  
'Mother?' Slipstream mumbled innocently 'Is that you?'  
'No Slipstream. You have no mother.' Vista answered with a sigh 'Spectro? Who's on, frag it?! Hook? You there? Hooook?!'  
'Peter Pan?'  
'...' 'Knock Out?'  
'Drunk fight?'  
'Headbutt.'  
A long sigh came from the commlink 'I'll send a drone.' Knock Out said finally.

'That was flawless!' Rumble chirped, showing Ramjet his data pad 'I got it all! Can't wait to try it.' Ramjet stared down at his sitting brothers, both looked disgruntled at the performance Ramjet pulled off.  
'Jealous brothers?'  
'Never.' Dirge said, confident he could do better. Thrust however was not so confident. He slumped over further, hating irony to its very core. 'You're up Thrust.' Ramjet laughed. 'Lets go engage the enemy!'  
'I hate you all.' Thrust said 'I have no brothers.'

-authors note-  
This first lesson was longer than I thought. So I've had to split it. Hope you enjoyed this as much as I did writing it.. at work... in a dead quiet office and sniggering or just typing with a huge grin - got a few strange looks. 


	3. Dumb Luck

Thunder Cracker prepared for take off, rolling his shoulders, arms and back to to ensure they were all lubricated well. Dirge and Ramjet followed suit both strangely smiling. Thrust brought up the rear with a doom and gloom expression that made even Dirge look happy.

'Whats got your burners smoking?' The blue jet asked, shaking his leg and rolling the joints in it.

'Nothin' Thrust said with a sharp vocal edge which made Thunder Cracker glower at him. Thrust ignored his brooded gaze and roughly rolled his own limbs, hoping if he didn't do it right he would just drop from the sky.

Skywarp sauntered onto the airstrip, followed by a disgruntled Starscream, the latter clearly had better plans than a common Energon raid. As Skywarp passed behind Thunder Cracker, he ran a finger on the blue jet, from wing tip to wing tip and hissed as if the mech was burning hot. Thunder Cracker's glare turned to the purple jet as he passed behind from one side to the other and his anger at Thrust disrespect subsided.

'Hurry up' Starscream shrieked 'When I found out the one who convinced our great leader to send an Energon raid against the Aerialbots, I'll personally delivery them to the enemy with SOME ASSEMBLY REQUIRED!'

'Ready Commander.' Thunder Cracker said, as he stood behind Starscream, making the right side of the commanders triangle formation. He then transformed into mode.

'You're always ready.' Starscream said will a roll of his optics as Skywarp followed the blue jet, taking Starscreams left side and transforming. 'Dirge, Thrust, Ramjet: Formation already.'

'Yeah yeah' Dirge and Ramjet said in unison. Ramjet took left flank, Dirge centre back, Thrust grumbled some more but then took right flank - each transformed shortly after the other.

'Finally...' Starscream said and transformed.

'WAIT!' Rumble ran as hard as he could to beat the jets take off, familiar datapad in hand. He hated how Soudnwave wouldn't let him go sooner, he had to do his chores! and in doing so almost missed their take off.

'What are you doing?' Starscream said and transformed back into robot mode.

'I'm coming too.'

'Let me rephrase that: What are you doing to help?'

'Soundwave said I am providing data collection of the mission'

'Thats what a mission report is for.'

'But Soundwave said.'

'Oh, Soundwave said. Soundwave said.' Starscream mocked 'How are you getting to the flight spire storage facility? Its on a platform in the sky.'

'Soundwave said you're gonna fly me.' Rumble whined, desperate to get on this mission. He just had to see Thrust in action. If he were as good as his brothers, as he often claimed then Rumble needed it.

'Oh did Soundwave say that?' Starscream seethed at the thought, put a hand to his internal comms and opened a signal 'We'll just see about that'

-in flight-

'Wooohooo' Rumble cheered, in robot form, astride Starscream in jet mode. If Starscream wasn't mad before then he was seriously pissed off now. The hitching mech was eager to start the battle, and asked many questions of the plans for the mission. Starscream was silent however Thunder Cracker provided him the intel. Thunder Cracker admitted he wasn't confident leaving Air Raid with Thrust alone and Rumble chuckled, even conveniently offered to provide support.

'Ladies and Gentleman...' Starscream said out of the blue 'This is your captain speaking. We are about to hit some major turbulence. Please fasten your... oh so sorry...'

'What do you mean?' Rumble asked and looked at the skies 'It looks-WOAH! Hey!' The seeker commander ducked and dived out of formation as if possessed by glitch or fatal virus. The other jets flight never even flinched out of rank. Rumble grumbled 'Hey! Cut it out Screamer! I almost fell off...'

'That was my intention.'

'TARGET SITED' Thunder Cracker called to break the chatter.

'YES!' Rumble said with too much glee before he corrected it with a gruffer voice 'Lets kick some Autobot after burners!'

'Mission plan, stage one seekers...' Starscream bellowed.

Dirge urged his engines to purr with his fatalistic melody, executing stage 1 of the mission plan perfectly. Ramjet however charged forward with pent up energy, knocked Skywarp out of his way and rammed, head first, into a firing Silverbolt.

'No you idiots! I said-'

'Great! We're fragged!' Skywarp screamed as he realised their plan was already slumped, his fear suddenly warped him somewhere at random.

'That's just Prime!' Starscream said and transformed onto the spires platform amid an array of laser fire from the defending Aerialbots. Rumble jumped clear of the commanders land site and scuttled over to a worried looking Thrust - Who was hiding behind a pillar.

'Your time to shine!' Rumble said and pointed to a robot mode Air Raid, hiding behind a defense wall and shooting at the small Decepticon incursion. Thrust watched him carefully, Rumble wrote this down. Thrust sneaked to a defense wall nearby, Rumble wrote this down and then followed. Thrust then managed to get on the side of Air Raid out of his vision. Rumble wrote this down. Thrust looked to a platform above them. Rumble tapped this into the datapad. Thrust stepped outside of the defense wall, Rumble wrote-

'WOULD YOU STOP TYPING!' Thrust yelled down to the little blue mech. Air Raid turned around at the outburst and fired at Thrust who seethed angrily at his constant ill luck. He quickly transformed and jetted away.

'Oh no you don't Decepticon scum!' Air Raid said though reveled in the fact that the con was running 'No-con gives me the slip!' He promptly transformed and took off after Thrust. Rumble stayed well hidden but watched exactly where the flew then typed "Run away so they chase you." right after "Speak words of love and beauty"

The red and black con transformed and landed higher in the spire, where no Autobot was and exhaled in relief. He lost Air Raid half way up, during a cunning double shift. Thrust, rolled his joints calmly but stopped when he heard Air Raid transformed and land nearby. 'Oh for the love of...' A voice piped up through the comms.

'Thrust. It's Rumble-'

'I know its you.'

'Oh right... I have the perfect spy position here. Just keep your comms open for me because I'm out of audio sensor range so I wont interfere with your masterful plan.'

'Oh that's wonderful news...'

'I thought so too.'

Thrust sighed, clearly Rumble didn't get the sarcasm. However a deal was a deal. If Dirge and Ramjet could snare Flamewar and Slipstream, how hard would it be to get Air Raid? A stupid autobot?

Thrust watched as the enemy inched closer, he took a snippet from Ramjets lead and added his own flair, devising the best opening line. With his vocals in loud speaker he called to the Aerialbot on his trail.

'Is that space armour you're wearing?' Thrust asked mockingly.

'What?' Air Raid said, puzzled.

'Because your aft is out of this world!' Thrust jumped onto a crate to reveal his position, hands on hips and an arrogant smirk plastered onto his faceplate.

'Come again?' Air Raid aimed his gun but didn't fire, wanting to give the con the chance to answer.

'Maybe you got a shovel?' Thrust taunted again, proudly. 'Because I am digging that aft!'

'Have you a loose bolt somewhere?'

'Nope' Thrust lied and folded his arms. 'Wish you could see the angles I get when you pin me.'

'Really?' Air Raid asked, intrigued, and unloaded his gun back into his arm. The Aerialbot then jumped onto the crate with Thrust like they were old war buddies.

'You have to cover that aft more often,' Thrust pushed on 'Its a real distraction. You got a skirt or something?' he chuckled at his own insulting joke but Air Raid only stepped closer.

'That depends. You got oil?' Air Raid purred in response, his voice grumbling seductively.

'Yeah...' the con said, obviously he had oil - this Air Raid was a real dumb one.

'Because...' Air Raid said, stepping closer to Thrust 'We're gonna need-' He looked down his enemies body, inspecting every fine feature then returned his gaze back to Thrusts face and added '-A lot of it' spoken with a devious.

'Why?' Thrust asked, more and more this Autobot was talking in riddles and he wondered if Thrust had loose bolts?

'I'll wear the skirt, but you're gonna have to lift it. Nice and slow.' Air Raid sniffed the air and vented it out over Thrust.

[_'Oh Primus!' Thrust thought, fear rising deep within his spark 'Air Raid ...' He exhaled deeply, feeling the Autobots own warm draft against his face 'Air Raid... wears SKIRTS!'_]

'HOLY PRIMUS!' Rumble enthused 'Thrust is a natural!'

'What do you say...' Air Raid whispered near Thrusts audio sensor 'We play your little names game.'

'I'd say you're the one with a few bolts-'

Thrust paused. Air Raid had placed a hand on his chest, tenderly. Very tenderly. Too tenderly. His hand then moved ever so slowly down the cons chassis, Thrust's processors jammed in overdrive. It would appear he hadn't got Air Raids drift earlier. Thrust backed away slow from the teasing hand. Panic rose higher than ever and his instincts to run took over.

'I uhh...' Thrust stuttered 'Gotta... with... primus...'

'Whats the matter Thrust?' Air Raid held up a hand to stop Thrust from leaving, but the con already jumped backwards just before he could get a hold. 'No. Thrust wait!'

'Oh Primus. Oh Primus. Oh Primus...' Thrust cried and ran to the spires edge, Air Raid once again giving chase. Thrust had to get out of there. Fly free. Return home. Anything! So long as he wasnt near Air Raid. Ever again! For once luck was with him. He saw his fellow seekers retreating, Dirge had of course located Rumble - Thrust suspected they both saw his own cowardly retreat but couldn't yet understand their expressions, Rumble might have looked pleased.

The seekers made a hasty retreat, minus Skywarp - who still hadn't been located. Starscream billowed a thick black smoke while Ramjet sparked profusely from his weapons drive. So their mission was a complete disaster, Thrust expected their commander would gloat 'I told you so' for months to come. Dirge, with Rumble riding, sided up to Thrust and laughed.

'That.' he said 'Was awkwardly easy.'

'Jealous Dirge?' Thrust brimmed with pride 'I am a master after all.'

'Why did you fly away?' Rumble asked, tapping furiously into the datapad.

'All a part of the grand scheme...' Thrust lied and that was enough for the little mech.

Air Raid followed the seekers until Silverbolt called over his commslink and ordered his return. Reluctantly he landed back next to their leader, his optics rested solely on the retreating red and black con jet. His spark felt heavy at Thrusts departure, and he sighed sadly.

'Air Raid?' Silverbolt asked 'You don't still have a crush on Thrust do you?'

'Hah!' Air Raid pretended to laugh but chose, respectfully, not to answer him.

-author notes-

**Hope you enjoyed. Sorry for the delay. I only write at work (Mon-Fri) as I didn't have my PC set up but I got a laptop now anyway.**


	4. RAMJET!

_**Welcome back for another round of dating advice from our beloved coneheads... No? Not beloved? Oh well, I like them.I haven't yet gone over this chapter as well as I do the others but hope its all ok.  
Over and Out.**_

-story-  
'Step 6;' Rumble said to himself, while sitting at a table with his love instructors 'Strike fear into her spark.'

Mess hall 5 was quieter than normal as the conehead brothers sat silently, for once, while Rumble read over a datapad. Thrust still appeared shaken by the previous days ordeal with the Aerialbot Air Raid - something neither his brothers would ever let down. No matter how hard he tried to get a new target the brothers refused to relent, and called him a coward for trying.

'Step 7; Speak poem of love and beauty.'

As the time of their dates drew nearer, their confidence and backlash against Thrust subsided. Ramjet was particularly nervous and dead quiet, not even feeling the urge to headbutt anyone even though many lower ranking cons dodged this way and that as he approached. Ramjet hadn't heard what happened to Slipstream either, or whether she was still going to the date.

'Step 8; butt her head.' Rumble said proudly, adding exclamation marks.

All three brothers looked at one another and chuckled. At least half their plan was working. Dirge was inclined to laugh, but inside his processors were rattling. His date came first and Flamewar was notorious for awkward silences, more so than he was. He had to prove he could keep her in conversation, or at least prove he can make her have conversation. Subjects were limited with Decepticons.

'Step 9; Tell her sleazy one line-'

'Hey!' Thrust said with agitation, and flicked the datapad from Rumble to the floor 'They weren't sleazy... (Dirge, Ramjet and Rumble stared) ... much'

Rumble jumped off his seat with a grumble and picked up the pad again, this time when he chose to sit between Dirge and Ramjet. 'So what is the next lesson?'

The brothers paused in thought. They hadn't really expected Rumble to still be here by now, he should have stormed off already seeing their bluff. Quite clearly they weren't very good with attracting love, these instances were merely dumb luck and the coneheads doubted they could replicate its questionable success. Ramjet, always the faster thinker, banged his hand on the table - the force rumbled poor Rumble right off his seat and he had to pull himself up yet again.

'Communication!' Ramjet said in victory. Dirge and Thrust agreed, communication was surprisingly smart coming from him but Dirge remained hesitant. He knew this round he would blow all chances of staying ahead of his brothers. 'I vote,' Dirge said casually 'Ramjet go first this time. Since we aren't even sure Slipstreams still coming.'  
'Why wouldn't she?' Rumble asked, the innocence of it made Thrust's pipes want to hurl. Neither brother chose to answer him though.  
'Shes still in the infirmary.' Thrust said, giving Ramjet a kick under the table. The black and white cons face plate contorted painfully, but, as soon as Rumble looked, he smiled through throes of pain.

Ramjet stood up muttering hateful terms under his tone as he strode to the exit. The little blue mech followed close behind, eagerly chatting. Dirge and Thrust weren't going to follow, they needed a plan and two coneheads were better than one.

-infirmary-

Ramjet and Rumble entered the infirmary in amid a flurry of medic drones, under graduates and two senior medics barking orders and medical procedures. Both seniors, Spectro and Vista Assist were pouring all their attention into a single black and purple jet lying in stasis lock on a medbed - Vista held onto two canisters of Synth En as Spectro injected red energon into a cable vein of the jet closest to the fading spark. Ramjet looked passed the bustling bots and found in the corner his teal and purple femme, prepared to leave. She hadn't spotted them yet, as she too was busy looking at the emergency patient.

'I'll stand over there,' Rumble said pointing to an empty spot near Slipstream 'and pretend I am gawking too.'

Ramjet took a deep gulp of the stratosphere gases and vented it out slowly. This was his moment. He did alright the first time, and he doesn't have a brotherly audience this round either - this should be easy! How hard could it really be to talk to the love interest? Ramjet was about to find out as he approached her, much the same fashion he did originally. Slowly siding up to her in his discreetest manner - while tripping over a medic drone (which he picked up and banged his head against).

Once next to Slipstream, she realised he was there and promptly turned to him with fists waving in his face 'What do you want Ramjet?' she hissed his name as if it were poison while Ramjet held his hands up in protest, and because he didn't trust her not to strike him in spite.

'Slipstream,' he said carefully again with a poetic tone 'There are as many loving words as there are stars in the sky in which I wish to say to you, my true divine...' Once again Slipstreams anger melted away with his words, even Rumble felt a tug in his spark as the sensitive nature of the con.

'Alas, there are no words yet spoken for your celestial perfection that can do any justice.'

Rumble wrote down all the wording he could catch, though Ramjet went fast so he made mental note to fill it out later. He looked up in time to see Slipstream falling into the Ramjets hypnotic poetry and the jet mech's confidence soared. Slipstream stepped up close to him, clasping her hands together and swinging them back and forth like a young sparkling.

'Ramjet,' She said breathlessly, as the infirmary continued to buzz with frantic medical staff 'I had changed my mind about tonight but now I think I'll change it back.' She then reached for her recently mended head which still bore paint chips but at l;east the metal had been beaten out. 'One hiccup I am willing to overlook. ' She added with a smirk.

'I do have three things to say to you.' Ramjet said and took her hand from her head to pull her in closer to him. Slipstream was hesitant but at least he didn't hold her shoulders - right? 'First...' he said then pulled the femme quickly up close to him - then suddenly feeling very anxious. Slipstream recognised the change in him and jerked her hand away, but all too late.

CRACK!

Not as perfectly square as the first time, but Slipstream still felt the full force of a Ramjet crown pound. Now she knew why the Autobots kept clear of him when he went into rampage. Rumble quickly wrote down the action, not yet sure if a second one would work but what would Rumble know, he wasn't the expert.

'RAMJET!' Slipstream screamed, drawing the attention of the busy medics now as she stumbled to stand properly to deliver her next sentence 'We will never go on a date!'  
'Two...' Ramjet said, ignoring every bit of her conclusion. Slipstream took no chances; she held her hands up to block her head from more damage infliction but the coneheads strength prevailed. His second hit fell perfect on the mark and . Slipstream fell like a steel crate of scrap metal, woozily muttering 'Never...'

'RAMMJETTT!' A voice cried out above the commotion and the room went silent, with the exception of the senior docs hard at work. The drones stood and looked at a lime green con with a boom pillar, hook and winch over one shoulder and folded arms. 'I just repaired Slipstream!' Hook added, pointed to Ramjet and then to his doorway 'You. Get out of my infirmary!'

Ramjet gingerly stepped back and away from Slipstream, making his way to the door. Rumble followed quickly and laughing that he was ordered out by a medic. Rumble didn't remember much passed the previous week, because if he did he would have remembered Hook was a warrior first.

'So...' Rumble said, while the two walked back to the Mess Hall. 'What was the third thing you were going to say? For the record'  
'I am still going to say it.' Ramjet chuckled to himself, this was turning out to be a lot of fun - Ramjet was stimulating all his favourite pastimes.

They spotted Dirge and Thrust deep in conversation at a table along with a few other cons scattered here and there. Ramjet sat next to Thrust but remained silent. Thrust raised an optic to him before Rumble jumped onto the table and announced Ramjet is half done and it was half working, but he was eager for the next teacher to begin. Naturally all optics then fell on Dirge who sighed deeply.

'Alright.' Dirge said saddened that he was next 'Lets piss our air commander off again and convince Lord Megatron to approve a air and ground strike? We'll get Flamewar and Air Raid in one sitting?' 'Perfect!' Rumble said, and immediately jumped off the table to inform Soundwave. 'Whooo' Thrust twirled a finger around sarcastically while his monochrome brother stood up and followed Rumble.

-outside the infirmary-  
Slipstream stretched her arms and legs, happy to be back online and walking free. She muttered angry words to herself, that sometimes mentioned black and white and conehead in the same sentence. She was extremely relieved to have Vista Assist repair her, because Hook took forever and a breem. Even if Vista's hot fix left her in pain.

Slipstream heard on the faintest of winds, a whirring engine. She paused to listen. The roar quickly came closer, far too quickly. Whoever it was they were in vehicle mode and accelerating hard... towards her. Slipstream turned around, guns at aim towards the charging con. She knew she had enemies but surely they weren't that eager to write her off.

'Three!'

The black and white jet made contact, right into Slipstream, after putting his engines into hard burn. The femme howled as she was whisked off her feet and together they crashed against the wall, into a crumpled heap. Ramjet stood up from the crash, after all this was his specialty, and a crash here or there slipped off him like rain. The youngest conehead brother then took Slipstream by her shoulders and hoisted her to eye level.

'Alright!' She screamed in defeat but braced herself for another head butt from the adrenaline pumped jet 'Alright. You win. Again.'  
'Great talk!' Ramjet said, resisting the urge to bang her into another stasis lock. He did however put her on the ground again, dusted his hands off and walked away with a hint of a skip - he was joined by Rumble and though Slipstream had never seen them the best of buddies, they high fived one another anyway, as Slipstream staggered back into the infirmary to the furious yell of Hook.

'RAMJET!'

_**-Authors Note-**_  
_**Thanks for reading. Again I wasn't expecting the lesson to go so long, but next chapter I promise to have both Thrusts and Dirges together. **_


	5. Arcee did it!

So Ramjets date was a definite yes. Rumble couldn't understand why the coneheads thought otherwise - maybe Ramjet was the least successful of the three? Never the less. It was now up to Dirge and Thrust to show their skills yet again and the little mech was excited to get started. Rumble couldn't be in two places at once though, so requested Spyglass come as a medic and record a pair, Rumble just wasn't sure whom he wanted to see in action first hand: Would Dirge's skill to warm the vocal processor of Flamewar more worthy to witness or did Rumble want to see the goody Autobot titan swoon helplessly for the evil Decepticon sparkthrob?

During the meeting in which Rumble addressed soundwave and Megatron to arrange a small force to strike again (Rumble had a convincing case involving unpredictability, brass ball bearings and boosts to moral), Starscream stared daggers at the blue mech after realising it was he who also arranged the previous attack. Lucky for Rumble, Soundwave saw this and suggested Starscream lead the attack again, to restore respect as second in command. Rumble could see the fire of seething hatred burning through the seekers faceplate and Rumble made a mental note to keep clear of him for a while. As they left the meeting, Starscream barged passed Rumble and muttered 'Some assembly required.' before disappearing towards the bases quadrangle to round up some muscle for the strike.

What started as a small random air and ground attack, (3 air vehicles and 3 ground vehicles) soon mounted into a hefty sortie, with the likes of the Combaticons wanting to flex their pistons, literally, and getting quite roused when they were first advised they couldn't come - Onslaught even threw a handful of Vehicons at Starscream, in a single toss. The star spangle hued jet stood dead still, knowing full well Onslaughts aim wasn't his greatest strength. After the gathering of troops, Rumble joined Dirge and Thrust at the rally point - where Starscream waited to address them.

'Alright, roll call ' Starscream said, standing on a podium near the an air runway, their rally point. 'Aerial: Dirge, Thrust, Blitzwing, Turbine, Tailwind, Blast Off and Vortex?' The fliers all confirmed their arrival. 'Terrestrial: Onslaught, Swindle, Flamewar, Brawl, Rumble, Razor Blaze, Mixmaster and Bonecrusher?' Starscream counted the troops standing. 'And medics: Reflector tripl-'

'Present!' Reflector said and pulled apart into three separate robots: Spyglass, Viewfinder and Spectro.  
'Yes Well, short notice warrants a shorter constructed plan-' Starscream continued. 'So the brilliance of this strategy is quite remarkable: the work of true greatness.' (One back door brag from the air commander, for the air commander) 'I decided to use a box formation upon nearing the-'  
'I WANNA FIGHT!' Bonecrusher yelled, the other cons agreeing with a multitude of nods.  
'Silence you oaf!' Starscream snapped. 'I am leader of this mission, and we are going to have a proper plan.'  
'BUT I WANNA FIGHT!' Bonecrusher repeated with a stamp of his foot.  
'Yeah Starscream. Stop yer blathering,' Mixmaster joined the mini rebellion with a raised fist. 'We wanna smash some Autobot shells!'

'Yeah!' 'Break em!' 'Hurt them all!' 'Kick them!' 'Gouge their optics, then rip out their sparks and melt them in boiling acid!'

All stared briefly in shock at the gory words coming from Viewfinder, the mildest of the triplets whom were already mild for Decepticons.  
'Would you all stop it?' Starscream said, his voice shrill and flustered with the lack of control he had on them. 'We are going to fight but-'  
'YEAH!' The strike team cheered in unison and transformed, jets flew off at random and trucks and cars drove with them, all chanting. 'Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!'

When their chanting disappeared and could only be a murmur in the distance. Starscream turned and addressed what troops were left: Flamewar, Dirge, Rumble, Turbine, Brawl and two of the Reflector triplets: Spectro and Viewfinder despite his earlier outburst for bloodshed.

'Right,' the commander said flashing a mischievous grin. 'Back to plan A '

-battlefront-

Once they arrived on the scene, Thrust turned out to be MIA but then so too was Spyglass - Rumble hoped they were together with Air Raid. Rumble wasn't sure what plan B was but Plan A at least put Flamewar and Dirge together. Rumble of course had to add himself to their team, at first Starscream didn't like it and glared hard at the little mech trying to change his plans but then his optics glinted and Rumble was added to the tag team for flank attack.

Rumble raced after Flamewar and Dirge, both advancing on foot to the left side of the storage facility to create the secondary distraction. The ground bound cons stopped behind a wall, once decorative but since reinforced with rubble and covered in blast ash. Just before them a few Autobots stood impatient and staring off towards the fight which was actually happening. They wanted to assist however their captain insist they guard this flank. Their captain, none other than Flamewars arch rival: Arcee.

Dirge pondered the best way to create such a distraction and go above and beyond by actually breaking the defense, before Rumble kicked him in the leg and gestured for his attention to move to Flamewar instead. Dirge looked over to her, whose face appeared pained and annoyed at the closeness of her future date and yet, excited to finally be able to meet her enemy. This would be her moment. Her whole life as a Decepticon had been for this hour.

Rumble stepped back from the two and took out his datapad for notes. At first, Dirge only stared. Dirge drew in a deep gust of air to cool his steadily rising processors, opened his mouth to speak and left it there. Flamewar said nothing. Slightly unexpected but Dirge was happy for it - perhaps she had kinda warmed up to him?

'Where did you want to go tonight?' Dirge said casually. 'I like that spot near the prisoner block where you can hear the sobs of lost hope from the imprisoned Autobots.'

Silence followed, Rumble noticed a slight roll of Flamewars head - perhaps she didn't like that spot? _Ahh_, Rumble thought and wrote down "Discuss date locations while about to fight."

Fear pitted in Dirges processors again, this wasn't going to work and he were being closely monitored by the naive con - how could he pull this off to maintain his reputation? Soon the fear engulfed the jet and he cleared his voice. He had to do this the only way he knew to get any attention. Engines roared to life, no lift off. Vocal circuits adjusted to tune, no speech. Flamewar looked at his engines in fear. She then pushed the blue conehead off balance, stopping all further motions before it could start.

'This is exactly why I didn't want to go on this mission,' Flamewar said with a hiss, then grabbed the stumbling blue conehead to pull him down to her optic level with surprising strength. 'because you would come here and remind me of the date, which I only agreed to have with you to shut you up!'  
'Are you talking to me now?' Dirge asked innocently aware.  
'Are my lips moving?' she said pointing to them. 'Are my vocal circuits and projectors emitting sound and is that sound directed towards you?'

Rumble stared in shock, soo many sentences and dialogue from the strong silent warrior. He really didn't know who was better at this dating game, each of the coneheads were proving time and time again their natural skills. And now Dirge's face was so close to Flamewar, you could feel the passion... Flamewar's faceplate contorted into raged but Rumble was sure it was love and admiration hidden in Decepticon toughness, and Dirge appeared scared but that was him: all about the fear... his own or others.

'What a lovely couple...' A feminine voice crooned in mockery that made both cons turn and Rumble duck down. Upon a higher rise in rubble behind them all because rubble is conveinietly there for everyone, a blue two wheeler stood with guns cocked and aimed at them. The Autobot badge upon her chassis shone proudly.

'Arcee!' Flamewar spat her name, and went to ready her own guns but Arcee tutted her off that course of action. The Decepticon femme huffed. This was the battle she had been waiting for and the damn Autobot scum caught her off guard!

'Flamewar...' Arcee returned the undignified titling but then looked at Dirge with a raised brow 'I didn't think you two were in love. Thought you had higher standards.' Every word that came from her had sarcastic undertones which boiled the fuel pulsing through both con's bodies. Rumble watched on with great interest - it appeared Arcee hadn't spotted him sitting directly beneath her.

BOOM!

A ground shaking explosion shook them all and forced Arcee to unbalance and lean forward. Flamewar took the chance and jumped up to the other femme. They came tumbling back down locked into each other like pro wrestlers rolling down a hill of spectators. First they rolled right over the top of Rumble, making him grunt painfully as he was kicked, elbowed and steamrolled. Then their fight ball rolled towards Dirge who jumped out of the way and landed perfectly on Rumble. The little blue mech flailed his arms and legs as his very circuits were crushed under the ten tonne clodhopper. Right now Rumble regretted this mission and vowed not to ever enter a battle without involving himself in the actual fight - speculation was so much more painful!

Acree and Flamewar grunted and shrieked angrily at each other. Their duel raged on with neither getting any upper-hand over the other. 'Maybe you should help?' Rumble said. The Arcee blue and black Flamewar soon rolled into a singular mess of metal - sometimes one looked to be missing a limb. 'Maybe I should...' Dirge thought hard then smashed his hands together to pep talk himself into action. The blue jet mech stood over the femme's, trying to catch a window to hit the Autobot with his poised fist. He saw the moment, where Arcee and Flamewar were separated and took the shot, hard hitting the femme to total black out in one swift punch.

Dirge looked at the black and flame painted femme which was revealed under his fist, then to the blue femme who rolled quickly away from the sudden onslaught - the fear on her face proved that she at least didn't see the hit coming either. Dirge turned and looked again at Flamewar, out cold on the floor. 'Oops' he said, staring in disbelief. 'I think I killed her.'  
'I think you killed her.' Arcee said, now standing over her enemy and inspecting Dirges handiwork.  
'No no...' Rumble said and pointed to her spark chamber 'Its still glowing. Shes not dead. But... shes gonna need a lot of reconstructive surgery.'  
'No scrap about that...' Arcee mused 'Just think what could have happened if you "_rear ended_" her?' The blue Autobot burst into laughter and patted Dirge on the shoulder in her most condescending way. Arcee spun around to make her triumphant strut away, but came face to face (or face to chest) with Turbine and Brawl - each hauling a steel net of stolen Energon Cubes behind them. Exiting the Autobot storage facility behind them, out the very door Arcee guarded with her now missing team, waltzed Starscream with his own net. As if he just dropped in to pick up some milk!  
'Ok...' Arcee held her hands up 'Too many cons for my liking... Best to take a noble retreat.'  
'Noble?' Starscream shrieked and spluttered then dropped his net 'Autobots retreat with honour and Decepticons as cowards!' His yelling only fell on the deaf ears of the retreating enemy. Starscream approached the group of cons and looked at Flamewar, then to Dirge and Rumble sternly.

'Arcee did it!' The Conehead and Cassetticon cried in unison.

-Authors Note-  
I am terribly sorry about this delay. This is finally up. I missed Thrust AGAIN - As you can see I wrapped this one up short - I guess I could have started at the battlefront, but I enjoyed writing the other useless prose. Hope you enjoyed it anyway.


	6. Cheap Trick

-return to battlefront-  
Thrust scoured the air like a mad genius. He couldn't have planned that escape if he paid the cons to play up. The red mech had no idea the other cons were going to rampage like that and that movement gave him the best idea. Rumble didn't even see his escape, not even to send his little spy minion. This time Thrust was doing it all himself and without an audience. He was far behind his brothers who already had their dates locked in, but Air Raid, it was going to be hard pinning that mech down to a time.

The conehead landed nicely on the roof of their target. He watched the cons in their initial attack, laser fire burst back and forth between the two sides. None was even aware he was above them. Thrust tapped the roof in different places, hoping to find a weak point somewhere, to which he found only one. With all the strength he could muster, he punched the spot then howled in pain.

'Ugh!' He said with a grunt, and tapped the spot again to make sure it was weaker than the rest 'Why can't I break it!?' Thrust looked around for anyone who might be looking at him and then groaned in defeat 'Wheres Ramjet when you need him!' He punched the weak point again and again, perhaps a barrage will weaken it more until it broke open. 'What are you doing Decepticon scum!' a gruff hot tempered voice roared from the air, transformed and landed on the roof with Thrust. 'Woah...' Air Raid exclaimed when he saw it was his crush. 'You aint ever gonna get through. Not unless you crashed full speed into it like-'  
'Ramjet?'  
Air Raid nodded.  
'I know' Thrust said but punched it one more time to make sure he hadn't weakened the roof in any way. A laser burst struck near him and Thrust jumped back, guns released and aimed at Air Raid. Both mechs held their weapons level and poised to unleash if the other made a wrong move.

'What gives Air Raid?'  
'You're flashy Thrust but I ain't falling for it. Not again.'  
'Why not frag it!?' Thrust asked honestly. He had to win this competition. His honour and brothers respect depended on it. 'You rubbed my wires the right way then took off, remember?' Air Raid said with genuine hurt 'You're not playing with those wires again!'  
'I wasn't-' Thrust stopped and thought about his response before he blurted anything that might jeopardise his chances 'I wasn't playing like that.' he said finally 'I was... Playing hard to get, I thought you knew that?' Air Raid didn't say or move anything but Thrust could see his face soften... a little, but that little was enough to push harder. 'Of course I'm gonna be hard to get, I may be a con but I'm not easy!' Thrust gasped in a fake realisation 'YOU THOUGHT I WAS EASY!'  
'NO! Thrust I-'  
'You thought I was easy and that's why you pursued me!'  
'Thrust...' Air Raid tried to sooth the hysterical con with a gentle purr of his name 'No!' Thrust threw up his hands and stormed to the edge of the building 'I get it. I'm just a cheap Decepticon, who'll just swoon to the likes of Mr Air fraggen Raid, ohh I'm a combiner with a cool name. Everyone loves Autobot Air Raid the Aerialbot sparkthrob!'  
'You don't have to be nasty Thrust.'  
'Yes. I do.' The red mech said simply, turned from Air Raid and folded his arms like a spoiled brat 'I'm a Decepticon... Whats your excuse?!'

Thrust let the words sink in, he smirked of course, but Air Raid couldn't see it. Instead the Autobot sighed and lowered his gun thinking over what he could say to improve the situation. Thrust saw below him, Dirge, Flamewar and Rumble making a path to another place - a side guarded by Arcee and a small team. So the slow pokes caught up finally and Rumble dogged poor Dirge. How sweet.

'Thrust?' Air Raid said, his vocals directly behind him.  
Thrust jumped sideways and stumbled backward from the other mech 'Primus Autobot! You trying to overheat my systems?'

'Not yet.' Air Raid crooned with a delightful smirk 'But I'm hopeful.'  
'And I'm angry at you.' Thrust said and turned around again, paying more attention to the sounds of the mech behind him so he didn't sneak up again. 'Its my name isnt it?' Thurst sighed hopelessly 'Everyone makes fun of my name.'  
'Its not your name. I like your name.'  
'Yeah, right.' Thrust stepped away from him, aware Air Raid tried to walk closer again 'Its a terrible name. I think out of all the Decepticons, I was the most unfortunately named - wait... Of all the Transformers universe.'  
'You could have Flareup.' Air Raid said to try and sooth his crush 'Shes unfortunate.'  
'I bet she doesn't have so called friends running away and chanting "Look! I'm Thrusting" - cause I'm a coward. Or whenever they call out my name, someone else says "No thanks" or "Yes Please!" ... thats unfortunate!'

Air Raid grabbed Thrust and forced the con to face him then looked him directly in the optics and spoke 'I really like your name. Its a triple entandre...'  
'A what?'  
'Nevermind. Fact is. Your name has so many meanings, its a direct projection of the many layers of who you are. You've got a fast take off, every jet needs Thrust for lift off and primus..' Air Raid swooned at the thoughts currently going through his processor, his optics glazed over dreamily. 'Primus knows I love the roar of a high thrust-to-weight ratio duel engine with a 3% aerodynamic drag increase. And afterburners... You should see the shock diamonds on them when you reheat. I want to feel that burn, trust me. And don't even get me started on your axial compressors and intake ramps, the pressure conversion in those...' The mech sighed to ease his rising heat 'Such a flawless design and the power ... to hold in ones embrace...'  
'How long and how closely have you been watching me?' Thrust raised a browline, he was only a little creeped out as the warm feeling of being appreciated overcame any warning beeps.  
'Since I came online.' Air Raid admitted sheepishly with a downward turn of his optics 'I use to think it was because I hated you. Then I thought it was envy - I wanted what you had - but I soon realised. I just wanted you.'  
'You do know, my brothers are exactly my build right?'  
'Yeah... but red goes faster.' Air Raid concluded with a mischievous wink.

Thrust's spark flared at the confession and gesture. He stared unbelieving with a heat rising throughout his system. No-one had ever been that brutally honest to him and never was it all good things! Without even thinking it, he leaned into Air Raids enigmatic presence: enthralled by his humility and deepest desires, his vocal pitch as it rolled his name and that protective firm grasp. It was like a magnet was drawing him in and Air Raid was falling into it too.

BANG.

Both mechs fell back in the aftershock of the explosion. Air Raid cursed the bad timing of the explosion but Thrust was grateful for it. His temperature levels were of the chart, levels only armour removal could cool completely. What the hell was he thinking? Good thing no-one was watching that. Without thinking it he pathetically spilled all his fears to the enemy in one bout of emotional release and in return might have actually been falling for the lovesick Aerialbot scum. Clearly Decepticons needed a Smokescreen to talk about their problems, because no-one else was listening.

'I'm still angry at you!' Thrust said, back in character. He stood up as Air Raid did but dodged the grab the Autobot made for him. 'You need to stop mech-handling me too. I'm not just another one of your fly by nights! You need to treat me with respect, like a.. like a...'  
'Carrier?'  
'NO! Do I look like Carrier? I'm not the carrier, you are!'  
'Of course.' Air Raid said, however Thrust heard a little sarcasm - he just chose to let that one slide, for now. It wasn't like they were ever going to reproduce anyway.  
'Oh, you should also spoil me.' Thrust added as he began to pace back and forth, thinking of everything he wanted in a relationship - if he actually was going for one. 'Lots of gestures, favours.. Oh and of course a date! We have to have a date.'  
'I know the perfect spot!' The Aerielbot chimed happily 'Meet me, tomorrow-'  
'Tonight.' Thrust said suddenly. He wasn't falling behind his brothers again.  
'Tonight. I don't know I might have to move...' Air Raid looked up and saw Thrusts pleading faceplate then melted and reconsidered his answer 'Of course. We can go tonight. Meet me in District 17, Autobot territory. I'll take you to the best spot on Cybertron!'  
'Done.' Thrust said more victorious than he expected.

Air Raid smirked his own triumph and took Thrust, more gently, by the hand and carefully pulled him closer. Thrust was busy with his own celebration he almost missed the brush of Air Raids fingers under his face and slowly pulling him in for that kiss they keep missing. Almost that is. The con shoved his hand into Air Raids faceplate and reiterated 'Not easy... or cheap.' The autobot groaned into his hand but obediently pulled away. Thrust relished in the power he had. No-one ever obeyed him.

Thrust walked to the edge of the rooftop, he realised he hadn't actually done anything for the mission and was seen as not even present... both of which resulted in punishment, especially not being present. Below him, Dirge and Rumble stood over a fallen Flamewar, Turbine, Brawl and Starscream nearby and then not far from him a retreating Arcee - yet she was advancing on the first fighting party - who had dwindled in attacking numbers. Spectro and Viewfinder had at least three cons with them, weapons drives down. Arcee's arrival only toppled the odds in the Autobots favour more. An open order from Starscream through their commlinks advised the troops to retreat with what they had. Thrust had nothing. At least Onslaught held one net of Energon from the first strike party.

'Oh no...' He said unconsciously aloud, as images of his future fate rolled around his processor.  
'Whats wrong?' Air Raid asked, very much concerned.  
'I haven't anything to take back. Scrap! Megatrons gonna kill me.'  
'Literally?'  
'Maybe.' The red mech played on his enemies sympathy 'I don't know. Depends what mood he's in. They're not even gonna know I was at the fight, I'll get double punishment.' Thrust gasped, to add some dramatic emphasis on the punishment part 'I'll be tortured by Vortex.. or Harlequin... or worse... experimented on by Shockwave!'  
'Woah woah woah...' Air Raid said and looked down at the roof of the storage bunker 'I can get what you need. Just... try not to make a habit of it. I won't support the Decepticons but I'll protect you.'

Thrust couldn't turn to Air Raid, for fear the mech would see the maniacal evil grin on his face, even so the red mech softened in pity. He hated Autobots, and the Aerialbots more but something about Air Raid made him more appealing. Despite his brash combat behaviors, the red and white mech hid a soft gentle side, one no-con should ever witness and that side made Thrust a little guilty about what he was doing.

That is until he returned to Decepticon HQ, all pity and guilt washed off like water over one of Sunstreakers perfectly waxed panels. How could he feel guilty? He was walking on air, sometimes literally to annoy the ground vehicles who only managed a single net of cubes between them, yet Thrust hauled his own - as far as they knew, by his own methods. He was a god - for now - even Megatron praised him.

Several cons were rushed to the medical rooms, including Flamewar who somehow in one hit was knocked unconscious by Arcee. Thrust wouldn't give the Autobot femme that kind of credit, but his brother seemed happy to give it away.

'Hey Dirge.' Thrust landed and transformed as Dirge did. 'Failed any missions lately? Muahaha!'


	7. Calm before the Storm

_**Hi all, looooooong time. So sorry. I am even more sorry because this chapter was actually completed over half a year ago. I just hadn't cleaned it up (even now it was rushed) but I hope you enjoy this harmless bantering chapter - until the real stuff begins! Over and Out!**_

-story-

Rumble walked up beside Dirge and tapped on the datapad, a giant smirk spread over his faceplate after a bell-like BING echoed from its soundcore. The mission became a success, even after Autobot Reinforcements arrived on the scene to chase the cons off their front porch. Four nets of Energon was attained and that was at least half which was expected. Megatron put Starscream down for only getting half (even if he expected to get none), Starscream naturally blamed a useless team for the failure, and Soundwave pointed out it was a team chosen by Starscream - nothing unusual in the arguements that followed after missions. And so the beat went on.

Only this time Rumble trotted beside his newest friend: Dirge. When he looked at the big blue conehead, his spark pitied him. Dirge was fearful and Rumble knew why - for once. 'Cheer up.' he said 'Flamewar might not even remember what happened.'  
'And if she did?' the fear in Dirges vocals was more evident than his face. 'I lose! Flamewar won't forgive like Slipstream will.  
'Actually,' Thrust jumped infront of them, making the two blue mechs stop, Dirge glowered but Thrust continued. 'I think Slipstream was too concussed to take anything she says seriously - Ramjet should try again.'  
'Where were you?' Dirge accused and poked Thrust in the chest 'You bailed on the mission and the task. How did you even get a net?'  
'You think I bailed, but I succeeded both!' Thrust poked his brother back 'All by myself too. It was tough, but naturally I could do it because I am definitely the better brother.' The red mech chuckled, strutted passed them and turned around to add, with a glint of mischief in his optic; 'Too bad you guys weren't there - I owned the battle!'  
'Thats ok.' Rumble said, unaware of the cons gluttonous self flattery 'Spyglass captured it all for me.'

Thrust froze. His pride burst in just a single short sentence. Dirge chuckled darkly then folded his arms across his chest like he had just successfully punched Thrust in the face but Thrust was determined and not easily taken out - not like Flamewar. 'No worries' Thrust said casually 'I'll just find Spyglass and get thim to erase-'  
'Look.' Rumble said and proudly held the datapad up for Thrust to see 'Got it already. I haven't gone through it yet but Spyglass said he wasn't sure whether he should be shocked, appauled or intrigued. That sounds good yeah?'  
'HAHA!' Dirge patted a stunned Thrust on the back - the same way Arcee patted him and in that moment he realised what she was patting him for. 'Looks like Spyglass works faster than your vocal processor spins self flattery!'  
'Yeah well-' Thrust said, branishing a fist at Dirges face 'Least I don't knock my targets out cold!'  
'Who told you that?!'

'Oh look!' Rumble interupted the two who now stood, optic to optic, poised to strike. 'Flamewar is coming.' The little mech tapped their knees with a knowing laugh: Siblings fight all the time. Dirges battle ready stance retracted and he cringed.

Thrust looked at the black flamed femme as she approached. Her now uncrumbled chest area still bore scratches and her stride proved she was still in pain but her face was what really meant business. 'Flamewar looks pissed.' he said with a smile.  
'Uh-Oh.' Dirge stepped back from the advancing femme. 'She knows... I'm dead.'  
'You're like three times her size.' Thrust smiled then added 'But you're right. You're dead.' Instead of replying the blue conehead threw a fist at Thrust's head but it stopped right before contact. His red brother flinched from the fake attack and cowardly slunk away. A menacing grin came to Dirges faceplate. If he dies now, at least he died scaring Thrust.

'You punched Flamewar clean out of the most epic fight she had planned for cycles... her life's ambition...' Rumble said as Dirge took Thrusts lead and slunk lower and lower into the ground during Rumbles speech. 'I'm sure Flamewar doesn't know or she might be happy you punched her out cold - because it gives her a goal to still strive for.'

'DIRGE!' Flamewar fumed, and marched right up to him in a very unusual hot temper.  
'Or maybe not.' Rumble concluded, and skipped away to hide behind Thrusts legs.

Dirge said nothing. Just waited for her fist to start flying his way. He at least had a not-so-secret weapon that would spin her processors backwards and he intended to use it. When she reached Dirge however she stopped to cool down, and addressed him formally. A little too calm.

'I must offer my gratitude for last mission.' she said simply. The three mechs were dumbstruck. 'Uhh. Ok...' Dirge said, waiting for her to continue. Dirge is the first to admit he isn't the brightest spark in the family but this would confuse even Shockwave.  
'That was it.' she said and crossed her arms 'Now about tonight.'  
'WHOOHOO!' Rumble burst into cheer, jumped up and punched the air  
'Woah' Thrust stepped aside 'Watch it!'

The black femme looked at Rumble for a moment and narrowed her optics 'What credits you wagering small mech?'  
'None at all.' Rumble said innocently. And it was the truth too. Flamewar leaned down to his face.  
'I'm gonna rip off your arms and beat you with your pile drivers if you don't tell the truth...' Flamewar added without inflicting the usually sinister tone to a threat.  
'I'd like to see you try' Rumble smirked, he had protection and its name was Soundwave. 'But Thrust and I must go and view some footage of the mission for - err - future referencing and ... stuff.'

'Wait.' Flamewar said and Rumble stopped. Not because he had to but he really didn't want to leave, he wanted to see the outcome. 'If you're involved in this little shenanigan, you ought to hear this: Dirge?' The larger blue mech jolted to attention. 'We will meet at Darkmount Armoury, where you will escort me to Highwire Point: Kaons most romantic getaway.'  
'Didn't Highwire get trashed by the first Autobot wave back at the start of war?' Dirge asked, easily confused.  
'Shut up!' Flamewar said with a hiss, and pushed him into the wall as both Rumble and Thrust sniggered. 'At Highwire Point, you will serve me the finest Hi Grade we have to offer, with an array of Cybertronian metals, in various shapes and sizes. I have quite a delicate palate sensor. Oh and I want unmodified organic compound material as an entree, with pure polymer resins and soft epoxy fillers as dessert. Different grades of course. All of these must be PURE, free of radicals. I expect that should cost you most, if not all, of your credits - if you can afford it.'

'Ok. After that, then what?' Dirge asked and even Rumble wondered if he actually understood the true price she implied. Rumble doubted Dirge could afford it too. He might have been on Starscreams Elite Air Squadron but he was still a Decepticon and their wages weren't exactly worthy of the effort.

'After that?' Flamewar mused, then quickly grimaced at the thought of it. 'I'm gonna need A LOT of Hi Grade for there to be any _after that_ going on.' she sauntered off, her head held high in confidence. No way could Dirge complete her request and then the victory is going to be all hers.

'Well...' Rumble said 'Thrust and I are going to watch the footage now. We'll leave you to find the stuff Flamewar wanted.' Rumble slowly stepped away from Dirge - he wasn't assisting with her request. He had better things to do. He had to see this footage from Spyglass. Thrust couldn't get that Energon net without _some_ favours, surely! And Spyglass was so traumatised by it all, the moment he transferred the data to Rumble, he deleted it and cleaned it from his system. It just had to be good.

Dirge rattled off, out loud, all the things he would need and walked the other way to Rumble and a grumbling Thrust, right towards another red mech, buffed to a mirror finish, whom chuckled at the list being uttered.  
'What is all that for?' he asked with a smooth accent.  
'A Date' Dirge said absentminded 'With Flamewar.'  
'Platinum taste for an iron chassis.' the foreign mech spoke again, like he was part of the storyboard since chapter one.  
'Who asked you Knock Out?' Dirge spat and grabbed the much smaller field medic in one hand 'Just keep walking!'  
'Well I would have...' Knock Out said earnestly 'If you hadn't stopped me but I think you're going to want me for this one.' The sports mech smiled sweetly and Dirge growled. How could any con have been born that attractive and with that much charisma? 'Think about it my big blue friend.' Knock Out added 'Where else would you get that much pure materials?' Dirge thought hard for a brief moment then gasped.  
'Medical!' Dirge said with a smile and loosened his grip on the fancy sports mech.  
'Walk with me.' Knock Out purred 'and lets talk price.'

-Secret Footage-

Thrust drummed his fingers on the table they chose to sit at in mess hall 5 and nervously waited for Rumble to return with his pain in the aft datapad and some drinks - three for each con. Why had he not looked for spies? He thought no-one was with him when he attacked the Autobots storage, and what happened between him and Air Raid would remain a mystery forever giving Thrust a notch up in skills, maybe even a payrise. He didn't think Spyglass was following him, how could he? Spyglass was so quiet... so good at, well frankly, spying that not even the most observant of robots would realise he was watching. And that thought was scary in its own right.

'How would you say your fared?' Rumble asked, in a fake seriousness after he pressed play 'Only kidding. You did better than Dirge. He was going so well too...' 'Maybe Spyglass didn't catch it all? You know interference?'  
'We'll soon see!' Rumble said with a cheer. 'Now, I need total focus.'

The footage began to play and Thrust slumped in his seat, Energon nestled in his hand when the first scenes appeared and he gulped it down in a single chug. Only moments later he downed another, and his third shortly after that. So far Air Raid hadn't' shown up... This was going to be a long video.

At the halfway point, or what Thrust deemed halfway, the red conehead was down to his ninth Energon helping and up to the bar for another dose. His credits however were blown out... like he had it to burn! When the barmech said his credits declined, Thrust simply asked him to add it to Rumbles account - couldn't hurt to try.

'Rumble?' Thrust called out with a slur, as power coursed through his veins and threatened to spike his system. Rumble was too engrossed in the footage, his red visor twice its normal size, when he heard his name he simply waved his hand up - a gesture more similar to a 'hold up' than an 'charge me' - but that was good enough for the barmech. Thrust felt much happier knowing he was tapping Rumbles account now, and ordered a half dozen more - just in case he needed them.

By the end of it, Rumble had gasped, oh'ed, ah'ed and tapped more than adequate amounts of information from the footage. Thrust was honestly too plastered drunk to care what that meant. He rested his black faceplate flat on the table, each hand sat next to his head and held tightly onto a near empty Energon cup. A dozen more cups littered the table and floor around them - all empty. To think, Rumble still had his first one and didn't question Thrust when he kindly finished the other two he ordered for himself.

'Thrust...' Rumble said in a stoic tone, and the drunk con rolled his head to face the cassetticon with drowsy optics. Rumble was smiling, it was scary. 'I have never seen anything so well done and with an Autobot... You got a real talent.. A date, some free energon and scared the scrap out of Spyglass. Genius.'

Thrust grumbled and lolled his head back to facing the table without a word. Slowly his right hand lifted the cup closer and tipped it over his helm. The iridescent fluid poured out and landed in a puddle under his face. Rumble watched on, very confused.

SLURP... SLURP... SLURP...

The spilt energon retracted slowly back to his helm with each obnoxious slurp until it was all gone.

'Thrust?' Rumble asked with a raised browline 'What are you doing?'  
'Drinking...' Thrust said, 'Creatively.' As if to prove this he held up his left hand and poured the contents over his head then slurped it off the table too.  
'Are you drunk?'  
'No. I'm filled with courage. Hic. Give me another round barmech!'  
'You're drunk' Rumble said with concern and checked his internal clock 'And your date with Air Raid is in several orns! 'It'll be fineeeee. Hic.' Thrust wrapped an arm, very cosily, around Rumble and dragged him closer to cuddle Rumble properly. 'But no-one has told me the next lesson!'  
'Kissing... naturally.' Thrust crooned and leaned his faceplate into Rumbles, the little con felt very uneasy of where this conversation was going. 'It'll be fine...' Thrust added, patting Rumble on the head like a pet at which the little mech was grateful for - it could have been worse.

Meanwhile, Ramjet carried an oversize crate of goodies through the halls of a docked Nemesis. Those who tried to pass him had to duck under or barge him out but his head slam reputation made most weary to do the latter. All expect Starscream. The commander stopped as he saw Ramjet approach and pushed out his hand. A walking blind Ramjet merely kept walking until a great force pushed against his crate and then pushed into him. Making the black and white con fall back and land perfectly on his aft while his crate tipped and spilled its contents all over the walk through.

'Hey!' Ramjet snapped but then saw the crooked grin of his commanding officer.'Oh. Its you.'  
'What do you imply by that?' Starscream said, placing each hand on his hip and sneering down at the youngest conehead. 'Nothing sir.'  
'I see. Think I am a fool then?'  
'No not at all.' Ramjet said earnestly but he doubted the mistrusting commander would believe him let alone anyone believe Ramjet.  
'What is all this for?' Starscream bent over and picked up a string of mini lights, suited for a control panel, not a giant mech like the seeker before him.  
'Its uh. For my date.'  
'Red light diodes...' Starscream questioned and put them back down to pick up an old rusted box with exposed mechanical insides 'and what is this?'  
'A musical box.' Ramjet took the box carefully from the commander 'I'm going to fix it up for her.'

Starscream burst into laughter, stepped over his fallen side ranker, his foot missing a string of decorative mirrors that Ramjet spend the entire afternoon making by mere millimeters. Ramjet let a vent of relief escape but remained tense until Starscream was well away from his creations. 'So...' Starscream said curiously 'Who is this date of yours?'  
'uhh...' Ramjet gathered the items slowly, pretending to be distracted 'Its uh...'  
Starscream stepped forward and placed his big foot over the smallest box that hadn fallen out. Ramjet gasped and reached for it but his commander threatened to drop the foot. 'Tell me Ramjet. Don't delay.'  
'Its Slipstream.' Ramjet held hid air intake. Starscream stared, emotionless. 'Honestly.' Ramjet added.  
'Heh.' Was all the spangled jet said but he removed his foots impending doom over the box. 'Good luck.' He said casually after and walked off far too calmly. Ramjet wasn't a total idiot, Starscream was up to something.

'Oh Ramjet...' Starscream said. 'Here it is.' Ramjet muttered to himself and looked up at his commander who now stopped and turned back to face him.  
'How did you get a date with Slipstream?'  
'I was uh.. charming?'  
'Uh-huh. And what are you and your brothers up to with Rumble?'

Ramjet seized at the question and shook his head with a shrug of his shoulders. That was safer than flat out lying.  
'Don't be stupid.' Starscream snapped 'I know you're up to something. Do you really think I wouldn't know?'  
'I uh... hoped you wouldn't.'  
'Nothing is more hopeless than hope! So what is it then?'

Ramjet pondered what he could say, he blankly stared at the mirror chain he made but he couldn't really see it as his optics had glazed over in deep processing. 'If you're going to lie...' Starscream said with a huff 'You could at least come up with it faster! Sheesh, do you jets learn nothing from me?!'  
Ramjet crumbled his face for an answer but struggled with that too.  
'It was a rhetorical question, don't answer it! What are you doing with Rumble? I demand to know immediately!'  
'Alight, alright...' Ramjet said finally and scooped up a handful of mixed metals to put them back in the container they fell from. Starscream still waited impatiently.  
'We're helping Rumble...'  
'To do what?'  
'He's...' Ramjet took a deep breath to prep his systems for the long winded explanation. 'He's trying to solve the mystery of Soundwaves lost footcover. Slipstream and Flamewar are his suspects and my brothers and I are gathering evidence for him, because they trust us. SO we're going to get them drunk on a fake date so they will slip up and give Rumble enough evidence to prosecute the guilty femme. All this stuff here is to build an internal mind controller so we can tap in manually if they refuse to give in.'  
'A mind controller?' Starscream asked with a cocked brow. 'And who, pray-tell, is designing said scientific controller?'  
'Dirge.' 'Uh-huh. And its because Soundwaves missing a footcover?'  
'Yep.'  
'You're helping Rumble for what then?'  
'Special favours.' Ramjet said suddenly, not knowing where the conversation he originally planned in his head went or where this new explaination was coming from. 'So you're helping Rumble find Soundwaves footcover with a mind controller invented by Dirge to be used on the suspects Flamewar and Slipstream - who are so clearly outof your league - ... for special favours?'  
'Yep. Thats it.'

'Good grief.' Starscream said 'I thought you were trying to score with the femmes to show Rumble how its done but we all know you and your brothers reputations run bigger than the actual product. In a desperate attempt to keep said faux repertoire. You brainlessly agreed to help him. One of you, I'd say Thrust, chose a difficult target to woo and I suspected it only got worse from then. I even had the aerialbots somehow on the cards. Special favours and a footcover didn't even cross my thoughts.'  
'Wow, you really are smart.' Ramjet said truthfully, in the middle of Starscreams hypothesis he even panicked but Starscream believed his lie. 'I'll pretend that wasn't sarcasm... Carry on Ramjet. I have no time for missing accessories - and only for favours too? - such a waste.'  
Ramjet nodded his head profusely, eager for the other mech to leave.  
'Oh by the way.' Starscream said again and Ramjet let out an obvious groan of frustration. 'You want Slipstream to talk? Serve her hi-grade hot and her fillers cold, then wait.'

The conehead placed the last of his spilled items back into the crate as Starscream finished and looked at his commander, slightly confused, but he never explained it any further. At least Starscream didn't know what they were really up to, though Ramjet wasn't sure if his explanation was easier or better. And what of his advice? Was it true or did Starscream want a stab at Slipstream for something she had done?

_**-authors note-**_  
_**As you could tell this was a filler chapter, to build up for the dates. Sorry :(**_


End file.
